I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
