Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
