Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
