VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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