85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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