At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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