I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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