Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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