someone threw a dead crab at me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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