I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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