He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
