its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
