Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What drink are we having for lunch?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
