meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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