Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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