I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
