Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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