I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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