textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
