every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
