I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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