It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
