my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
