Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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