happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
