Plan B is the new Plan A
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
