Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
