I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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