I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
