I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I could make wine with my vomit
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize