I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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