he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
