last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
