I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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