6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
