I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
