I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize