Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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