He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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