So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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