I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
