Just fell off a train. Bad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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