Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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