the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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