Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The air taste purple.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
