And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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