Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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