Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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