whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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