i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
