'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
