Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
