I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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