Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
