Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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