im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize