: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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