Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
