Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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