Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
