Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
